sometimes i feel small, alone and fragile. like that girl who cried her heart out that night in your arms because she felt so vulnerable like she was about to break. tonight's one of those nights. but i guess i'll just wait it out till things get better :'( i have faith that they always do.

"Love requires work, effort and energy.

Love is so much more than that tingling of the heart that's called being in love. But no one cares for love any more, if it doesn't sparkle and glitter and make your head explode people will leave it in a heartbeat.

It's not about loving someone because they're perfect, but loving them because they aren't. It takes time, it takes energy, and in the end it's so much more rewarding than being in love.

But no, no one wants to love. They just want to be in love."

(Annoymous, Lelove)

My room makes me feel claustrophobic sometimes.

Four walls. Windows shut, door closed.

I start feeling weird if I dont go out at least once in a day. I need more breathing space than I can get from the confinements of these four walls.

-

I'm really enjoying my life right now eventhough I'm crazily preoccupied every single day.

The usual drill would be the avalanche of assignments. Aside from that, work's in the picture now which is truly awesome cause the ka-chings keep rolling in. It's very easy to lose control and splurge especially when you have the liberty to spend as you wish without having to think twice or even multiple times before spending. Financial empowerment definitely feels good when you can support the lifestyle you want. BUT I really need to exert some self-control and save up. That will be my mantra from now on. Oh yes.

It's also such a blessing that the people surrounding me now have been nothing short of splendid. New acquaintances as well as existing friends. Current events still makes me wonder in amazement. :)

It's strangely true that when one door closes several others open up.

Another gig this weekend, it's gonna be fun (:

Hello you! Yes, you! :)

I have plenty to say! Oh yes I do! Hahah. (Please don't give me that -___-" look)

But the problem is, when I'm in a happy hyper mood I think and babble way faster than I can afford to keep up and type. So these will probably be just fragments of the whole narrative that's speeding through my head at the moment.

Sorry for neglecting my blog again. It's just that I tend to blog in minor snippets over at my Tublr site more often now since its a whole lot more convenient and private. Well, sort of.

Sometimes I question myself. Am I writing for an audience or do I write solely for myself? More often that not, when I blog here, I have to apply a filtering mechanism to self-censor most of things I say here. Kinda defeats the point of having a blog as a medium of self-expression eh?

Aside from that, I really don't fancy blogging about my daily dos or whereabouts. Neither do i indulge in posting up huge ass close up shots of my face in varying poses/expressions like certain bloggers do. Hmm, definitely narcissism at its best there. I dont find the need to go out and rush home to blog about all the 'fun' I've been having ( Thats what Twitter's for! Before, when and after. Woohoo!) or who's bed I've been sleeping in just for that extra bit of attention. Cause ya know, I already get more than enough attention. Hahah joke and joke okay. Please. Cultivate a sense of humour. Or just try to keep up with my dry one.

The only times I blog are when I feel like I've absolutely no other outlet to express myself. Hence, I retreat to this comfortingly blank non-judgemental space of refuge. :) Which consequently results in an avalanche of bittersweet posts, more often bitter than sweet, about thoughts I dont normally discuss in person. Besides, words have always been my forte. I've always been most comfortable expressing myself precisely through words.

Before I lose the plot, my point is that this blog has been of much solace to me through my lowest lows. Yet, I can't help but feel that this blog contains so much negativity probably because it contains so much grief and sadness. I've always been one to lean heavily towards the melancholic. It's just the way I am. But nowadays, I'm a whole lot more carefree and lighthearted. It's just the most amazing feeling to let go of the baggage you've been carrying around.

I started out this post with the intent of informing whatever readers I have left on this blog that I'm going to stop posting here and fully crossover to Tumblr, but you know what, after getting the thoughts out from my mind I think I'm not going to do so. This blog has served to be a testament to the experiences and feelings that I've once gone through. People tell me not to look back. But hey one's gotta look back to see how far you've progressed every once in a while.

So I'm gonna keep this here and drop by once in a while to babble when I'm feeling just the teeny bit pensive or when I feel like indulging in a lil wordplay. :)

Okay, this was just supposed to be a short assignment break for me. So I'm gonna run now. Back to crunchtime. FML with a smile.

hahaha.

Go ahead.

-_____- back at cha. :)

it just doesnt feel right anymore.

its hard, but i trust you. if that means anything.

im tired. the very essence of that word itself permeates my entire being. but its only the beginning cause im gonna keep trying.

they just keep coming but i cant seem to muster any interest at the moment.

people surprise me at times. in both bad and good ways.

the good definitely keeps me going.

everyday's a surprise. im glad its all pleasant surprises for the timebeing :)

again, i cant be more thankful that people believe in me more than i believe in myself sometimes. that even the most surprising of people, those that you rarely speak to gives you more credit and holds a high regard for you. that's just what's worth surviving for.

thank you. xoxo.

i think im going to be updating more often at my tumblr site than here for now. im not sure if i want to publicize the link yet as i'd rather it be more personal, read only by those close to me. haha the irony i know. as if this blog isn't filled with enough personal content already.

i guess there's just some matters close to heart that im not ready for everyone to know about yet. certain matters that i feel the need to express as honestly as i may without having to confront any judgements or false assumptions. maybe in time i will link it here but if you want the link, feel free to request it from me personally if i haven't told you yet.

A piece of solitude

tonight i was reminded of the littlest things ive once loved like car rides in the night with mind numbing music playing in my ears. i couldnt help wondering where i was all this while.

i guess i was just caught up in the warped bubble of happiness you conjured for me. i used to stare off into spaces with thoughts running wild in my head and i stopped doing that when i was with you because i was just too content. now that the bubble's burst, im feeling everything raw again.

but hell, do i feel so alive. :)

reading through my previous posts, I realized I already had the answer on August 18th.

where did you go?

....maybe I have never really found you in the first place.

i might not know you, but i sure do know myself. you said you’d never leave, but i'll try to be okay if you’d like to go.

this is only goodbye for as long as it takes you to say hello again.

Drafted 15 April 2009:

"Every girl needs a man. You know, the kind that'll treat you right. The kind that has enough respect for you & is willing to change, just to be with you. The kind that searches for you with all his heart & that can be trusted in a room full of beautiful girls. Every girl needs a man who won't cheat on her because he knows she's got all that he wants & needs already.

He would be willing to be your friend & your lover & won't mind calling you early in the morning just to say good morning or late at night to say good night; maybe even sing you a good morning song & tell you a bedtime story or talk to you until you fall asleep. This guy will be the kind that'll do anything for you, even if it's to just go to the store & buy you your favorite kind of candy. He would defend & fight for you & wouldn't bail on you for his friends when you need him most.

The kind that won't leave you lonely & wondering; the one that calls you surprisingly, even if he's out with his friend, to just tell you that he loves & misses you a lot. The kind that isn't afraid to smile to his friends every time you're around & tell them, "She's the one". The kind that appreciates you for the things you do for him, even if they're little. The ones that actually thank you for the little love notes you leave him, waits for you when you're falling behind, & opens doors for you.

Every girl needs a man who will take you out on dates once in awhile & buys you flowers just because it's a Wednesday. The kind of guy that notices your hair when you just got it cut or done beautifully for him. He would remind you that he loves you & that he's happy to be with you, just in case you forget. The kind that just doesn't want kisses & hugs, but to actually be loved & to love.

You deserve a guy that will call you beautiful instead of hot, who kisses your forehead when you're down, tells you to be strong & to not cry, & when you do cry, he'd cry with you when times are hard. Those kinds that will go through thick & thin with & for you. Those kinds that just loves you for who you are & not for who you aren't; loves you because you're his little brat & he's your teddy bear. "

__


i was browsing through my drafts and realized that i left so many things unsaid. one by one they continued piling up being unpublished either because i fail to conclude or because the answer was already in the grasp of my palm, therefore cancelling out the need to reaffirm it.

this one happened to be of the latter option.

i happened to come across this excerpt of text way back in april and saved it ever since. i never published it then because i already had someone who was all that and more. or at least i did.

i guess wonderment came true. just when it really happens, i find that its nothing close at all to what i had wanted.

youve taught me to open up & reassured me that it was fine just to lean a lil on you. now that ive finally learned and become accustomed to it, you tell me to go back to how i first was.

"You got to get used to it then," you managed to utter oh so callously after all the work and effort youve invested in getting me to lower my defences.

i handed you a great deal of trust when i started to share pieces of me with you. now it just seems like that trust is too much a burden to handle for you so you hand it back to me raw and undignified.

its because of reasons like this that i was who i was in the first place. so now im back to square one.

you used to make coming home to an empty room so much more bearable. only because i knew i could always count on you to put a silly smile on my face and make me feel so overwhelmingly happy after our nightly talks. i'm going to miss how we used to talk till i fell asleep knowing that waking up would mean another day of happiness with you.

slumber is but a temporary not so effective refuge. much needed one when all else fails. but awaking with a jolt only to have such intense feelings rush in once you get hit by the realization that youre back to harsh reality is just the worst feeling ever. helplessness. thats what it is.

this choking feeling in my chest, it feels like im struggling to breathe underwater and fighting to stay afloat. i just may drown but being the person that i am, i simply refuse to. i know if i keep struggling and holding on a little bit longer i'll eventually learn to float or in time swim.

these may all just be words to you, but to me they are the very embodiment of my feelings.

something you might never happen to feel or ever come to understand.

& it would just be silly of me to expect you to.

you make him seem amateurish with the stunts youve successfully pulled.
im actually impressed.

i think you've lost yourself. its sad actually.

im hurt as fuck but im as good as done.

you were right, i do feel disgusted. the person i put high up on a pedestal just came crashing down. the more i think about it the more disappointed i get. i am in disbelief. if i had known in the first place, i would never have even considered or much less bothered in the very first place.

and you knew that.

the day i made the decision to be with you was the day i finally gave up all feelings on him after finding out what he did. And now to discover that you had done the same as he did before.....

i cant help but feel deceived. you assumed I would have known or heard from someone else but why in the world would i bother to listen to stories from other people when this was supposed to be just between us and the most important thing was i trusted you enough to be open with me instead of conveniently leaving out details. i gave you too much credit than you actually deserve.

i used to wonder what happened. i used to wonder where the person i once knew went. i refused to believe the way things were unfolding because in my mind, i had such a high regard of you. but then this just fits the puzzle. it makes sense now. you never changed. you were just the way you are. i just didnt know it. i still believe in that part i saw of you because it was unmistakable. i guess it was just easier for you to succumb.

even though the disappointment hurts inside, i dont, wont and cant even shed anymore tears because i can no longer find something worth crying for.

people just wont realize things if you dont speak up and let it be known in the first place. i still dont know why you didnt. at least it meant enough to me for me to bother to try right from the start but could you say you did the same? you had a choice to change things when you still could but you did not even try. I'm not saying its your fault but you truly could have done more if only you chose to. if only you realized what was more important than anger and egos.

i've always thought the word 'together' was the central basis of our relationship where we would and could overcome anything at all as long as we did it together. but you showed me that when the going gets tough, you get going. I guess better now than later.

i was just naive to think that this was our commitment. You showed me that it was only mine all along.

sure, i still do and probably still will continue to reminisce about all the times we've shared and the things we've been through, all the good times and tender moments, the promises and plans we conceived together.

but then when i think bout the person i just came to discover & the things you've said and then contradict or forgot,

all those things you've done for me (even though they may be sincere at that point of time) and all the things we've been through just doesn't seem to be as genuine and pure anymore.

that aside knowing that people make mistakes in the past and no one is perfect,

most of all when I think about how you've never tried to give us a fighting chance and gave it all up easily in the present,

my heart just ceases to miss you anymore.

My best friends tell me they believe in me because I'm a strong person. I know I am. But sometimes I just can't help but feel helpless and weak.

This is why I can't be more appreciative because at times when I give up on myself, they're still there giving me strength to be the person they believe I am.

Thank you. You know who you are my pillars of strength.

-

I will be MIA abit from now on. I have priorities to reassess. It's going to be a major personal overhaul for this time being. A little self-reflection and time out from all the things and people I've been involved in for the past few months. It has been a whirlwind and I need to slow down. Or rather more like straighten out my head and clear my thoughts.

In the meantime, I have a heart to heal as well. It's not broken it just needs to recuperate.

The way I've felt yesterday and right now is a complete contrast. To be honest, I've never felt this blank before emotionally. Anger, sadness, happiness, disappointment? Nope, doesn't seem to be one of those. I can't even pinpoint any specific emotion.

But one thing I know for sure is that I am determined and focused to get my life back on track starting with my studies that I've been neglecting for far too long without reason or comprehension myself. I know this has caused a great deal of people who believed in me much disappointment for I have let them all down. I'm going to stop running away from myself and proving everyone wrong. Along the way, I don't know how or why but I have lost my vision, passion and inspiration for the things I've once held on to steadfastly. I remember being fiercely ambitious but I guess I started faltering. The pressure of graduating next year and having to enter the corporate world scares me. I know I can achieve if I strive. But what worries me is striving aimlessly. What I lost was the desire and now that I have finally regained it, I believe its just the first step towards completing the bigger puzzle. I have hope & belief. :)

I guess its true, when one door closes another opens.

To some people, they may think I have my head up in the clouds and being planets away from reality but if my believing in the greater good, choosing to believe in the goodness of a person because I have seen and firsthand experienced it, choosing to believe goodness and love will prevail over everything else and knowing what's right and what's definitely wrong is just me being a deluded dreamer, than so be it.

Its a better world up here in the clouds anyways.

Even if this means that I'll be putting myself at risk and getting myself hurt way more than the average realist or cynic, than you know, so be it. I cant change or run away from the person that I am.

-


Yesterday, I was fighting for it with all my heart. There was not a single doubt in my heart that I wanted to save it so badly. Today, after the discovery of all those things, I just don't know what to feel or how I feel anymore. I guess this time off will definitely help in figuring things out and letting things fall into place if they were meant to be. I can't deny that a small part of me still hopes for the better but right now, there are just so many uncertainties within me. I don't know if this hope is even worth it anymore.

It's funny how our intentions are always for the other but our actions just happen to translate wrongly to one another. However regrettable that all these misunderstandings took place, fact is, it has happened. Therefore, it has affected us both and we have dealt with it differently. That can't be helped.

Regardless of all the things that has happened and the person you are that I now have come to understand better, you have been the one to help piece back my broken heart once when I thought was impossible. You taught me to love and to trust again. And for that I will always be thankful for.

I wrote you this once upon a time but it never got the chance to reach you,

"I will always remember the time where we sat on the steps of the staircase in Genting when it was freezing cold. We were waiting and hoping for the mist to clear so that we could finally enter the theme park. You gave me your jacket to wear even though it was so cold you insisted that you weren't cold. There you were hugging me trying to keep me warm. You noticed that I was spacing out and you could sense that I was deep in thought about the past. It was then that you told me something that really warmed my heart.You told me not to think too much of the past anymore and that from now on you will give me your best. Those words, " I will give you the best' that came from you really touched my heart deep inside. I could only afford to nod in response but those words had a real impact on me. No person has ever said such things to me before and that was the turning point which really made me fall so hard for you as I knew those words you uttered were straight from the heart and sincere. Thank you so much for that dear. I love you."

I have never once mentioned this to you before as this was of real importance to me and I've held it close to my heart. I tell you this now out of gratitude.

And if you wanna know, part of the reason why I finally decided to stay back next year was because you've always expressed how you wanted me to stay. Even though you've always said it jokingly but I knew. I was staying back because I thought you wanted me to stay and there you were trying your best to go over because you thought I was going over. In the end, I'm staying and you're going when all we were trying to do was to be with each other. It's funny really the irony.

Oh well, all that's been said has been said. Only time will tell.

I've been holding this in for so many days. I try to be strong and patient. Just like what my best friend told me, endure. I have been trying so hard eventhough it fucking kills me inside. Being surrounded by people 24/7 and not being able to even show a tinge of emotion. Keeping it all inside because I have no other outlet to express it to.

I just got back home today and the first thing that greeted me on your page was just the last straw that broke me. Seeing how you've chosen to remove it, just hurts so bad. Seeing it was just like a stab to the heart.

How is it possible that people change overnight...

:'(

My brother seems to think there's something wrong with me. My mum seems to agree with him as well. Now, I'm really considering the fact that there might be something wrong with me. Hmm, not like there wasn't reason enough to think so from the start.

Question is, what exactly is wrong with me? and what can I do to remedy this?

-

I really hate getting any work done in my own college library or Media Hub. Firstly, the environment just doesn't provide any inspiration neither is my library quiet enough to be conducive for work. Secondly, why can't people just leave me the fuck alone? I'm just trying to get some work done, what does it look like to you? Stop hanging around, asking me what I'm doing, standing behind me prying at my work and just get the message already will you? This is why I rather head over to Sunway or Monash's library to do my work. Conducive environment & ample space. Yes, its awfully spacious with it's library being 3 floors. Another reason why Taylor's library could benefit from utilizing space properly. Taylors library induces claustrophobia I swear. Don't these people understand S.P.A.C.E?

-

I really hate the concern I'm getting right now. Even so, as they're all from the wrong people.

Hate to sound like an angsty kid, but please, I really do NOT need the concern. I can deal by myself. So why not let me?

My mum hates it that I don't need her support. She thinks there's something wrong with me. .