Drafted 15 April 2009:

"Every girl needs a man. You know, the kind that'll treat you right. The kind that has enough respect for you & is willing to change, just to be with you. The kind that searches for you with all his heart & that can be trusted in a room full of beautiful girls. Every girl needs a man who won't cheat on her because he knows she's got all that he wants & needs already.

He would be willing to be your friend & your lover & won't mind calling you early in the morning just to say good morning or late at night to say good night; maybe even sing you a good morning song & tell you a bedtime story or talk to you until you fall asleep. This guy will be the kind that'll do anything for you, even if it's to just go to the store & buy you your favorite kind of candy. He would defend & fight for you & wouldn't bail on you for his friends when you need him most.

The kind that won't leave you lonely & wondering; the one that calls you surprisingly, even if he's out with his friend, to just tell you that he loves & misses you a lot. The kind that isn't afraid to smile to his friends every time you're around & tell them, "She's the one". The kind that appreciates you for the things you do for him, even if they're little. The ones that actually thank you for the little love notes you leave him, waits for you when you're falling behind, & opens doors for you.

Every girl needs a man who will take you out on dates once in awhile & buys you flowers just because it's a Wednesday. The kind of guy that notices your hair when you just got it cut or done beautifully for him. He would remind you that he loves you & that he's happy to be with you, just in case you forget. The kind that just doesn't want kisses & hugs, but to actually be loved & to love.

You deserve a guy that will call you beautiful instead of hot, who kisses your forehead when you're down, tells you to be strong & to not cry, & when you do cry, he'd cry with you when times are hard. Those kinds that will go through thick & thin with & for you. Those kinds that just loves you for who you are & not for who you aren't; loves you because you're his little brat & he's your teddy bear. "

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i was browsing through my drafts and realized that i left so many things unsaid. one by one they continued piling up being unpublished either because i fail to conclude or because the answer was already in the grasp of my palm, therefore cancelling out the need to reaffirm it.

this one happened to be of the latter option.

i happened to come across this excerpt of text way back in april and saved it ever since. i never published it then because i already had someone who was all that and more. or at least i did.

i guess wonderment came true. just when it really happens, i find that its nothing close at all to what i had wanted.

youve taught me to open up & reassured me that it was fine just to lean a lil on you. now that ive finally learned and become accustomed to it, you tell me to go back to how i first was.

"You got to get used to it then," you managed to utter oh so callously after all the work and effort youve invested in getting me to lower my defences.

i handed you a great deal of trust when i started to share pieces of me with you. now it just seems like that trust is too much a burden to handle for you so you hand it back to me raw and undignified.

its because of reasons like this that i was who i was in the first place. so now im back to square one.

you used to make coming home to an empty room so much more bearable. only because i knew i could always count on you to put a silly smile on my face and make me feel so overwhelmingly happy after our nightly talks. i'm going to miss how we used to talk till i fell asleep knowing that waking up would mean another day of happiness with you.

slumber is but a temporary not so effective refuge. much needed one when all else fails. but awaking with a jolt only to have such intense feelings rush in once you get hit by the realization that youre back to harsh reality is just the worst feeling ever. helplessness. thats what it is.

this choking feeling in my chest, it feels like im struggling to breathe underwater and fighting to stay afloat. i just may drown but being the person that i am, i simply refuse to. i know if i keep struggling and holding on a little bit longer i'll eventually learn to float or in time swim.

these may all just be words to you, but to me they are the very embodiment of my feelings.

something you might never happen to feel or ever come to understand.

& it would just be silly of me to expect you to.