My best friends tell me they believe in me because I'm a strong person. I know I am. But sometimes I just can't help but feel helpless and weak.

This is why I can't be more appreciative because at times when I give up on myself, they're still there giving me strength to be the person they believe I am.

Thank you. You know who you are my pillars of strength.

-

I will be MIA abit from now on. I have priorities to reassess. It's going to be a major personal overhaul for this time being. A little self-reflection and time out from all the things and people I've been involved in for the past few months. It has been a whirlwind and I need to slow down. Or rather more like straighten out my head and clear my thoughts.

In the meantime, I have a heart to heal as well. It's not broken it just needs to recuperate.

The way I've felt yesterday and right now is a complete contrast. To be honest, I've never felt this blank before emotionally. Anger, sadness, happiness, disappointment? Nope, doesn't seem to be one of those. I can't even pinpoint any specific emotion.

But one thing I know for sure is that I am determined and focused to get my life back on track starting with my studies that I've been neglecting for far too long without reason or comprehension myself. I know this has caused a great deal of people who believed in me much disappointment for I have let them all down. I'm going to stop running away from myself and proving everyone wrong. Along the way, I don't know how or why but I have lost my vision, passion and inspiration for the things I've once held on to steadfastly. I remember being fiercely ambitious but I guess I started faltering. The pressure of graduating next year and having to enter the corporate world scares me. I know I can achieve if I strive. But what worries me is striving aimlessly. What I lost was the desire and now that I have finally regained it, I believe its just the first step towards completing the bigger puzzle. I have hope & belief. :)

I guess its true, when one door closes another opens.

To some people, they may think I have my head up in the clouds and being planets away from reality but if my believing in the greater good, choosing to believe in the goodness of a person because I have seen and firsthand experienced it, choosing to believe goodness and love will prevail over everything else and knowing what's right and what's definitely wrong is just me being a deluded dreamer, than so be it.

Its a better world up here in the clouds anyways.

Even if this means that I'll be putting myself at risk and getting myself hurt way more than the average realist or cynic, than you know, so be it. I cant change or run away from the person that I am.

-


Yesterday, I was fighting for it with all my heart. There was not a single doubt in my heart that I wanted to save it so badly. Today, after the discovery of all those things, I just don't know what to feel or how I feel anymore. I guess this time off will definitely help in figuring things out and letting things fall into place if they were meant to be. I can't deny that a small part of me still hopes for the better but right now, there are just so many uncertainties within me. I don't know if this hope is even worth it anymore.

It's funny how our intentions are always for the other but our actions just happen to translate wrongly to one another. However regrettable that all these misunderstandings took place, fact is, it has happened. Therefore, it has affected us both and we have dealt with it differently. That can't be helped.

Regardless of all the things that has happened and the person you are that I now have come to understand better, you have been the one to help piece back my broken heart once when I thought was impossible. You taught me to love and to trust again. And for that I will always be thankful for.

I wrote you this once upon a time but it never got the chance to reach you,

"I will always remember the time where we sat on the steps of the staircase in Genting when it was freezing cold. We were waiting and hoping for the mist to clear so that we could finally enter the theme park. You gave me your jacket to wear even though it was so cold you insisted that you weren't cold. There you were hugging me trying to keep me warm. You noticed that I was spacing out and you could sense that I was deep in thought about the past. It was then that you told me something that really warmed my heart.You told me not to think too much of the past anymore and that from now on you will give me your best. Those words, " I will give you the best' that came from you really touched my heart deep inside. I could only afford to nod in response but those words had a real impact on me. No person has ever said such things to me before and that was the turning point which really made me fall so hard for you as I knew those words you uttered were straight from the heart and sincere. Thank you so much for that dear. I love you."

I have never once mentioned this to you before as this was of real importance to me and I've held it close to my heart. I tell you this now out of gratitude.

And if you wanna know, part of the reason why I finally decided to stay back next year was because you've always expressed how you wanted me to stay. Even though you've always said it jokingly but I knew. I was staying back because I thought you wanted me to stay and there you were trying your best to go over because you thought I was going over. In the end, I'm staying and you're going when all we were trying to do was to be with each other. It's funny really the irony.

Oh well, all that's been said has been said. Only time will tell.